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Aries: It is entirely possible that your paranoid nature will pay off this week. Your cell phone, your computer and your car have all broken in one form or fashion, not to mention you’re camping indoors, listening to the sounds of flapping tarp and banging metal all night. If you feel like this is all a cruel joke, well … we can’t disagree with you.
And if one more person says to you, “Chin up, Buttercup,” you will throat punch them.
Taurus: All in all, the black goat on your desk says it hasn’t been a bad week. Not only did he go out and get drunk with the Mardi Gras baby and the red seal, he said he had a premonition you would be hitting some sort of lottery win. And if anyone can predict the future, it’s a goat.
Gemini: Your tiny rubber bison has disappeared, and you’ve been searching high and low. What happens if it never shows up? Will that pickle still be served with your grilled cheese if it doesn’t? How many hands held high are a majority when it comes to publicly flogging the person who stole said bison? You will learn the answers to these questions soon, be patient.
Cancer: Contemplate the seahorse. You’ll find yourself wondering why you upgraded to a phone that no longer fits in your pocket. Lots of questions for the universe this week, lots of cooks in the kitchen, lots of crabs in the pot. Beware.
Leo: A murder of crows outside your front door on Wednesday will signify a great change in the Force. Subsequently you will be purging items that have too much purple or are made of balsa wood. A loud bang in the night on Monday signifies your lost dreams of childhood just broke the sound barrier on the way out of this plane of existence.
Virgo: Approach all problems carefully, and with a swizzle stick. And an olive. Hell, the whole drink might be best. Replace the batteries in your smoke detector and mind what the unicorn in the backyard is eating … he’s had too many strawberries as of late and the farting is incessant.
Libra: Hag stones and crystal balls are a must for you this week, as your crazy aunt Bunny might stop by to “help” you get your house in order. A small amount of amber monkeys will present themselves to you in a dream on Friday, which might lead you to consider cutting back on that special tincture you take before bed.
Scorpio: Personal hygiene is iffy this week but you still have to take time to carve the pumpkins, don’t forget. Dressing as a sexy orthodontist only works if you shave your legs. Check your voicemail messages, as there is one you missed and it’s about something you need to know.
Sagittarius: A two-faced person will pop up and surprise you on Wednesday. If you have to get gas on Friday, try to stop at the WaWa. They have that good crushed ice that will make your day better. A strong smell of decay near your brother’s house could be an animal that didn’t make out well in the storm. Or not.
Capricorn: A Scorpio will haunt your dreams this week, but only because you have acid reflux. Some sort of altercation will take place with a family member involving an heirloom featuring human hair. Stay away from all turnstiles … at all costs.
Aquarius: Sage advice from a mentor should be listened to, particularly when it involves blackberry soda and cardigan sweaters. A seahorse will speak to you in your dreams, disregard his advice. He’s wrong about everything.
Pisces: But did you die?