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Aries: Stop stealing other people’s gnucci and socks. It’s not cool. Tuesday is “Take a Rat for a Stroll Day,” so you should do that. Just a reminder that IHOP is not the place to order a steak. If you do, don’t get all miffed about the quality.
Taurus: While driving on Placida Road on a trip to the Walmart you will pass a hitchhiking pelican. Pelicans can be just as violent and unpredictable as hitchhiking cows, so use caution. While you’re at the store, buy a large box of dryer sheets and an economy-sized vat of coffee. Your nephew is going to be visiting and will request these things from you.
Gemini: If you replace the word “boats” with “cars” and “past” with “passing lane,” the last line of “The Great Gatsby” works much better. Buy some construction paper, glue and latex to create your own replica of the head of Alfredo Garcia. A simple “no” will suffice when you are asked if your preference in goat milking partners includes pansexual walruses.
Cancer: Keep up with the housework, you’ll have unexpected company very soon. You’ll find a great deal at Fugate’s, so pounce on it. Get one of those cool stickers while you’re in there, and maybe some candles. You will realize after your niece leaves that what you thought was the residue of an illegal substance on her dresser is actually powdered sugar from a Greek cookie, so don’t worry.
Leo: Everywhere around you are small black bears, take heed. Lima beans play a role in your decision-making on Wednesday. Soup is good, have some on Thursday.
Virgo: Your going to have a weird encounter with an “ex” this week, so don’t go around braless and in sweat pants too much. You’re going to eat a questionable brownie at some point – if you encounter lumps, don’t overanalyze them.
Libra: Lip balm and a turtleneck play a role in a clandestine meeting this week. Your tennis racket needs to be restrung. Not every day involves brie and sunflowers, but you’ll live. Amorous iguanas in your orchids will wake you up on Monday night. Put some Billie Holiday on, put a bottle of baby oil on your windowsill and go back to bed.
Scorpio: You’re feeling calm and steady right now, but that will all end when you inadvertently throw a baby into the ceiling fan. The dog’s bad stomach was caused by his garbage rooting for stinky cheese (your neighbor, a Libra, threw out his garbage and didn’t close it well enough).
Sagittarius: Leaving your golf shoes outside the front door will lead to a disturbing accident when you put them on … more disturbing for the small furry animal who took residence up in them than for you. Kale plays a large role in your cousin’s funeral plans.
Capricorn: Candide’s advice at the end of his eponymous work, “All is well, but let us cultivate our garden” is clearly telling you to trim in places where the sun don’t shine. If your Aunt Minnie asks you to come over, bring a fresh trout and ball of twine.
Aquarius: If you read the last line of “Naked Lunch,” in the original context but after seeing a Florida cockroach plodding through your kitchen, the words take on new meaning. A small troll who lives in your garden will leave you a gift of watermelon seeds and an empty inhaler.
Pisces: Visitors from out of state will find your secret stash of good wine and use it to marinate their lardon. A small white dog will appear in front of you on Wednesday and quote Shakespeare. Disregard him when he begins to pontificate.