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Aries: It’s been what feels like a long time since you were able to drive down a road without thinking about the deadfall in Stephen King’s “Pet Cemetery,” which gives you the strongest urge to dig up a random ex-living being of any species and carry them across it to see what happens. Fruit salad will occur on Wednesday.
Taurus: Save, save, save when it comes to important documents you’re writing on the computer. You know, like newspaper stories you’re writing on deadline. Chances are good you will end up with a random goat in your yard on Tuesday. Give him an orange Fanta.
Gemini: You feel one step closer to the edge of the sanity abyss, as you realize the tarp that was placed on your roof Sunday has now ripped and exposed most of the roof. On the bright side, you’ll find Tucker Carlson’s Fox coffee mug that was left on his lanai table in your side yard.
Cancer: If on Thursday someone asks you if your skull is made of metal, just say yes. Do not speak to the man with the rat on his shoulder; just speak directly to the rat. The spaghetti you are offered over the weekend will taste like tin.
Leo: Try not to take it too hard when your bearded dragon shuns you. He’s been listening to too much Lawrence Welk. One step in realizing you have a little storm PTSD comes when more of the ceiling falls in upstairs and you quietly ask, “What kind of cake was this again?” Aardvark meat is not for the faint of heart, but if it is offered to you on Monday, you should try it.
Virgo: Take a day this weekend to stop all the post-storm cleanup and go back to your Virginia clogging roots. When you ask the next-door neighbor boy what he is going to be for Halloween and he says, “A lineman,” shake that little fella’s hand.
Libra: There’s no canned meat like Spam canned meat … it can’t be beat … that tasty treat … it smells like feet … turn on the heat …
Scorpio: When Lt. Jeff comes to your door in search of an almost-lifesized camel that disappeared from 4th Street, make sure you let him know that camel was acquired through honest means. Make a grocery list before you go to the store or you will end up buying several boxes of Entenmann’s cookies, Pepperidge Farms’ cakes on BOGO and lots of Canadian candy bars.
Sagittarius: You will know on Saturday that you’re on your way to the men with the white coats when you find yourself roasting a marshmallow with a lighter while watching a green roach of some sort climbing the wall by a picture of your late pet squirrel. Go out and make some headway on the yard when you’re done with that, as a small family of bears has taken up residence in your backyard.
Capricorn: A large herd of misplaced tourists will end in front of your house next Friday, as a mischievous park ranger told them that it was once the home of the late Katherine Hepburn. Keep your mouth on a short leash with people in positions of authority, including insurance adjusters and your boss.
Aquarius: If someone places a large fish head on your windshield Sunday night, it’s time to pack and move on. An owl of wisdom will speak to you Friday about your deceased grandmother’s dentures. You are able to understand this owl and it amazes you … until you realize the mushrooms on your salad might have come from the cow field down the road.
Pisces: A found crucifix in the post office parking lot should be treated carefully and put in a place of power. While you’re at the post office you’ll find that you received a very interesting letter, so don’t lose it (we know you’re going to lose it, because we’re mystical that way). Peeking through the venetian blinds to watch the tree guys only makes you look like a perv.