Bocascopes for the week of 11-25-2022
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Aries: “Me” time is a must this week, no matter how dirty the house is or how many relatives are going to smite … I mean, visit you this holiday. That thing you’ve been wanting to buy but have the common sense to know you can’t buy it because no person in their right mind would buy it? You know the thing, don’t act like you don’t know. Buy it. You won’t regret it for a second … at least, until the FBI comes.
Taurus: Brass bells sound sweet in your ears and expensive socks feel good on your feet, but there’s something around you that stinks like a big wet dog. Bellevitano Expresso it is not, so stop trying to blame your overindulgence in that wedge on Tuesday. That feeling that someone is watching you comes a step closer to reality as your neighbor who looks a bit like an emporer penguin tells you that someone was sniffing your tree bark on Tuesday evening.
Gemini: There’s truly no substitute for cinnamon rock candy with the white powdery stuff that your Seventh Day Adventist neighbor used to make back home, but this week you find something in your life that brings back almost as strong of a nostaligic feel as thinking about that candy does. You’ll also find it’s no use arm wrestling that high society lady who likes to drink a few too many Moscow Mules at The Temp – she’s a sturdy girl who had five brothers.
Cancer: Taping a ripped $100 bill together leaves you wondering where you left your copy of Rushdie’s Satanic Verses. Didn’t your sister-in-law borrow it? There’s a reason that all the statues of Jesus on her mantle always look slightly sad and confused. If you aren’t able to make a trip to the airport to pick someone up, call a ride in advance or they’ll all be booked. Better yet, book a flight from the flight to the airport down the road and watch the coffee clutch friends who eschewed you for wearing two different colored pumps squirm.
Leo: Wednesday is a lucky day for you, as a relative brings you some of your boxed-up college stuff from your parents’ old house and you find three full joints. Remember you’re not used to smoking so it will hit differently, then throw caution to the wind and smoke 1 1/2 of them. That right there will hold you until next week, so we’ll leave you to your Thanksgiving food-gobbling madness.
Virgo: There are several things you must take with you when traveling this Thanksgiving weekend: The Vera Bradley puce and purple wallet your Aunt Thatch gave you; a box of matches (NOT a book); a rubber chicken; and the knowledge of who took singer Danzig’s place when he left the Misfits (for the first time). Also, no matter how strong your feelings are that Balenciaga supports ilicit dealings with children, do not confront your cousin Mimi at the dinner table while she’s wearing X Adidas leggings and a Puffa blanket cape. Don’t go there … just don’t.
Libra: All around you are signs from someone who passed away who was very close to you. Dealings with a tiger that doesn’t look like its DNA is all quite in order leaves you wondering why you chose to eat at that particular Indian restaurant, anyway. Small doses of clove oil are not only good for your digestion this week, you will also be provided with an overpowering aroma that foils the police dogs.
Scorpio: When you find a dressed candle, a chicken foot and a red silk braided rope by the fountain in your backyard you’ll know that the neighbor’s granddaughter must be in town. Try on every piece of clothing before you buy it, but know if you use the dressing room at Old Navy someone’s child will be trying to crawl under the door.
Sagittarius: When your Uncle Gio says “What???” for the tenth time during the footall game, resist the urge to jump up and say, “Say what again, #^%&*. I double dog dare you.” He won’t get the joke. When you’re shopping on Friday resist the strong urge to overspend. Remind yourself that your family are ungrateful whining mammets in their fortune’s tender and put the cash back in your pocket.
Capricorn: Sometime this wekk you’re going to see a bronze owl and when you do, you will think of this horoscope and wonder how we knew. It’s not rocket science, man, it’s just clairvoyance.
Aquarius: Aquarius gentlemen, when you see a really cool-looking vacuum cleaner on sale on Black Friday, do NOT think to yourself that you found the perfect gift for your wife of 30 years. It is not, my friend. It. Is. Not. Asking your kids home from college not to put their feet on your great-grandmother’s leather trunk is not going to get you anywhere. It’s a moo point – you know, a cow’s point of view. It doesn’t mean anything.
Pisces: If you can’t think of anything good to eat for dinner on Sunday night, just get some crab claws and some saffron rice. Maybe some asparagus, too. That’ll do, Pig. That’ll do. Also, wear a gingham smock to your friend’s party if you want the men to swoon over you.
